Some people also perceive a difference between a physical behaviour, such as sex with men, and the formation of a “gay identity.” Plus, even in the UK in 2021, not everyone has the ability to be open about their sexuality. It might sound perplexing to hear about men on Grindr identifying as straight, but it’s not uncommon for a distinction and hierarchy to be drawn between sexual activity and romantic relationships (this can be seen as far back as Ancient Greece). “I always need to cum most after a workout, so the gym showers are the easiest place and gay men are more into NSA sex than women,” he says. Another user, who specifically labelled himself as “Str8” and a “top” (the penetrative role in gay sex), tells me that he’s only into “masculine” men sexually but has no interest in any chat. So the gym is a risk-free place to meet men who might not otherwise agree to meet him. He also can’t host men at his house, because he’s married to a woman and doesn’t like sending pictures of his face on Grindr. One man, who didn’t share his name, told me that he wouldn’t want to be seen on a date with a man as he’s not out. Many don’t have photos on their profiles and some are in relationships with women. Mestel is right that, on Grindr, a lot of the profiles looking for a “gym buddy” identify themselves as “straight”.
If they're not comfortable asking for the kind of sex that they actually want, this is a stand-in for that.” “I think that looking for a ‘gym buddy’ is perhaps a way for them to engage with gay men, even though they aren’t able to express what their sexual desires are.
'If they're not comfortable asking for the kind of sex that they actually want, this is a stand-in for that'īut why would men go to the trouble of auditioning a “gym bud” rather than simply going on a date or straight to sex? “Grindr is known for having users who don’t necessarily identify as gay or bi, so they’ve maybe experimented, or may identify as straight, but still want to have sex with men,” gay fitness writer Spenser Mestel tells GQ. “This might appeal to men who are sexually attracted to men, but don’t want to seem overly ‘gay’ in any other way,” he says. Speaking from personal experience, I used to think that would make me seem more ‘straight’.” Boyles also suspects that gyms can be a “stepping stone” for some gay men, because many have saunas and steam rooms, which can be a build up to visiting gay saunas. When it comes to the link between “gym buddies” and sex, Boyles thinks it’s twofold: “The gym is how you can build your body and thus appear more ‘manly’. “So many of my clients are uncomfortable in gyms,” says Matt Boyles, founder of Fitter Confident You, a fitness company that helps gay, bi and trans guys get into exercise. Gyms are horny, but also quite anxious, places for some gay men. For some, there is clearly a feeling of empowerment in being legibly gay in a hyper-masculine space or reclaiming an aesthetic or pastime that they once felt excluded from. Many garments that have become part of the sartorial language of gay men, from jockstraps to tube socks and short shorts, are also rooted in sportswear. In 2019, Vice UK investigated why so many gay men still go cruising at the gym, after a Virgin Active health club emailed its members saying it would be sending in undercover police to check for “inappropriate behaviour”. On gay Twitter, it seems like everyone has a “gym crush” and there’s also an entire genre of porn that fetishises gyms and the locker room.
It’s hardly surprising that the gym might seem like a particularly fruitful backdrop for sex – after all, they are spaces full of sweaty men in not much clothing.